Pharmacy Grocery Bags

I stopped by the pharmacy today to pick up my supplies and I was quite embarrassed when I walked out with what seemed like "grocery bags".  Everyone else was picking up their dainty little paper bags with their one or two prescriptions and there's me carrying out two or three full size plastic grocery bags filled with supplies.  I'm not sure why that struck me as weird/embarrassing/concerning... Is it a testament to how much stuff I need to stay alive?  And if it's true that I spend over 14 hours a week on life sustaining therapy, WHAT IS THIS DISEASE?  Is it really that awful?  How come it's just become part of me and I don't really recognize it as such most days?  Some days I don't know what to make of it.  Is it okay to be embarrassed or should I be proud of it or maybe just accepting?  I'm not sure some times.
  

Last night after Noah went to sleep,  I asked Hubby to watch a movie with me - I was craving The Island.  I was surprised when he agreed.  I wanted to go to the kitchen and get some snacks ready for us and pull out the blankets - make it a true "Movie Night".  But suddenly, I nearly passed out.  I couldn't will myself to go to the kitchen, couldn't think where the blankets were and couldn't even get to the family room to sit down. A quick glance down at my CGM on my pump showed 6.8 with an arrow down.  What the monkey?  He helped me over to the couch and retrieved a glass of OJ for me and my tester.  My meter read 5.4 and I knew I must be on my way down fast.  I drank the OJ and waited for it to kick in.  Nothing.  Five minutes later I still feel like crap and my head was hanging back against the back of the couch as if my neck was too weak to hold it up.  I couldn't even think about the movie or starting it or where it was or anything - just how awful I felt.  Hubby got me another glass of OJ and I downed that too.  It was so strange.  Finally ten or fifteen minutes later I felt myself return to normal.  The 3hr sensor graph on my pump showed a quick drop in blood sugar from 7ish to mid 4.  Was it just the sudden drop that did that?!  We poped in the movie and Hubby served up the snacks - brownies with my homemade strawberry jam on top and a big glass of milk - what a sweetheart!  He had two honking brownies while I had one 2x2 square.  It was so good.

I do not like how diabetes has an effect on me as a whole.  My mood changes, my personality is altered, and I am rendered completely useless.  All plans are halted until diabetes decides it's going to ease up a bit and let me breathe again. Then down goes some sugar and SHE'S BACK!  I don't like it.  I don't think it's fair.  It completely takes over.  I have no control.  It's like those dreams where you are running away from something but you can not move your legs - it feels like you are going in slow motion.  And no matter how hard you try to speed up, you can't and it's so frustrating and scary (since most of the time you are either running away from something or towards something).  With diabetes I am not running away, I'm trying to just function.  I'm not asking for the extraordinary.  I'd like to just function normally.  It's weird.  You think you're okay with it - you think you've accepted it and an episode like the one last night really kicks my butt.

We are down to the last month before the baby.  I have 29 days left before No. 2 is due.  I am slowly starting to feel the "let's get this over with" feeling.  I am much more tired these days and the backpack in the front is getting quite heavy.  Sometimes I feel like I just have to sit down that instant.  My little one is still kicking the living daylights out of me.  I can't get over how much more active No. 2 is than Noah.  I am peeing like an undiagnosed diabetic and turning over to the other side in the middle of the night (my two sleeping options - on the left or on the right - FUN!) requires that I actually wake up and use the headboard or Hubby to roll over.  It's ridiculous I say.

Both my endo. and my OB leave on vacation next week and so I hope No. 2 is not early.  At this week's appointments I'll have to make sure all their orders are in place.  I have to finish my birth plan (my wishes and wants for No. 2's delivery) and also maybe I should pack a bag (?!) Is it too soon?  I'm over 36 weeks already.  It could happen any day right?

I am slightly scared of the whole "spontaneous" labour bit.  I liked knowing when I have to go in.  It gave me a chance to shower, shave, get ready, take pictures in the nursery the morning of...  I have no clue what to do if I go into spontaneous labour.  What if my water breaks while I'm out running around, maybe carrying the "groceries" out of the pharmacy or at the bank or at my in-laws... What if it's the middle of the night and I am not yet rested enough to embark on the delivery journey?  Ek, I better get going on getting myself ready for delivery.  It seems I keep putting it off, hoping that the renovations will be all finalized first.  Than I can lay out all the baby clothes and put them all away, find my breast pump and make sure it's sanitized again, set up the base in the car and buy the newborn diapers... There really is so much to do and I think it's time I make a to do list and start checking it off.


On a totally different note, there is a dead bird on my back patio right at the sliding glass doors.  So random.  I walked in with my "pharmacy grocery bags" and as I passed by the sliding doors I thought, "I think I just saw a dead bird.  Nah."  But when I walked back and yup, there it is.  I'll wait for Hubby to come home to dispose of it... before the little monkey comes back from his Apko's house.  I'm not sure if he'd notice it... but I'm not really in the mood to explain that the birdie is "sleeping".  I wonder if it hit the glass and died... or maybe it had diabetes and there was no one there to bring it a glass of OJ... no that's an awful thing to say.  What a weird day...

I am typically very optimistic and glass-half-full type of gal, but today I have a glass of OJ half-way empty and I am realizing I am slowly starting to hate OJ.