My Paradise

I wake up this morning to the sounds of birds and in the distance I can hear the gentle lapping of Lake Huron.  We have arrived.  We are at Deer Park - the cottage resort where Nate and I met ten years ago.

Time has flown.  Ten years.  I've graduated high school, then college, got engaged, married, diabetes, pregnant, had a baby boy, got through hubbie's cancer and now I'm a pregnant with our second child.  What a ride!  How much I've grown, how much I've changed... yet at heart I am the same.  The same giddy little girl that once dreamed of what life would be like at 25 (going on 26), the same hopeful, optimistic little girl that God loved enough to bless immensely.  The same...yet different.  I would have never believed it if someone told me.  How much can happen in 10 years. 

I am the first to wake up this morning and the cottage is still.  I open the windows, turn off the fireplace and have a banana.  I settle down with the laptop in a cushioned "log" chair and begin to wonder.  Today will be fun.  Noah will continue his adventures in the sand, daddy will take a nap on the beach and mamma will get a little tan... I will be applying sun like one might apply ice - 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off.

I head down to the deserted beach and step out on the cool sand.  I stand at the water's edge and look out at the horizon.  The sun, just peaking over the trees far behind me, is making his ascend into the sky.  Everything is still.  The waves are small, but the sound is still one that calms my heart.  I plop down on a fat piece of drift wood and ponder.  I think of those ten years again.  What life will be like for us in another 10 years.  Noah will be a teenager (a scary thought for sure), Nr 2 will be 10 and hubbie and I in our late thirties.  I wonder if we'll have more kids.  I wonder what we'll look like.  I wonder what our family dynamic will be like.  I wonder about my diabetes.  Will insulin pumps be really that much more advancedt?  Will sensors survive more than 6 days?  Will there be a cure?

I expect my parents to arrive shortly.  They are visiting us for the day.  On Monday they are departing to Europe for three months.  They should arrive back in Canada about a week before Nr. 2.  They will be missed so much.  But for this weekend, Noah will once again be surrounded by grandparents. 

We've had visitors all weekend.  Yesterday one of my childhood best friend Andra and her hubbie, stopped by with their three-week-old, Anthony.  It was fun just catching up and holding that little bundle of joy.  Today my parents are visiting as well a family from the small Slovak church.  I love sharing this place with friends and family.  It is such a place.  Where coming alone is nice, but coming with others or friends and family visiting makes Deer Park magical.  The cottages dance and the trees sing.  Sounds corny, but to me - this is the ideal destination. 

I stand up, dust off my pj pants and start heading back up to the cottage.  I'm sure the family is up by now.  We drove up here with Nate's parents.  They are both wonderful people and we enjoy spending time with them.  Noah and his grandpa, Apko as he calls him in Slovak, are best friends, "just like McQueen and Mater" as my son says.  They played together most of yesterday, Apko building sand castles and Noah jumping on them with both feet.

My little bundle of joy is kicking and kicking.  Nr. 2 loves it here too!  We are Deer Parkers for life.  I imagine I will one day come here with Noah's kids and Nr. 2's kids and I will be the grandma.  What a thought.  Noah married... me, a grandma to his kids.  Nope.  Can't see it, even if I try.  I wonder how I'll be.  I wonder if I'll be around.... with the diabetes, you never know...  But being ever-optimistic, I have faith that I will be around for a long long time.  Clicking away at my pump and not allowing the 'betes to tell me what to do. 

I picked up a nice pair of designer sunglasses at the optometrist office yesterday.   He took some retinal imaging and he said everything is super, super perfect.  He showed me the retina of a 40-year-old diabetic who was in to see him for the very first time and it was a mess.  He showed me that as a way to show me just how good my eyes were.  I was excited.

And as for the speck - it's a "floater".  Totally harmless, totally natural.  I thought, "Cool," and picked up a pair of "prescription" sunglasses.  Thank you insurance company.  Sometimes they DO come through for me.

Now back in the cottage the family begins to stir.  Although today's weather forecast boasts 28 C (82 F), the morning air is crisp.  With the windows open and the fireplace off, the cabin has cooled off.  I will soon start on breakfast - eggs and bacon with orange juice and coffee.  Breakfast of champions... or of vacationers.

Later on today I will continue working on my novel.  It's been a fun ride so far - this life of mine.  Even with the 'betes, the cancer, the letdowns - I know we have a God that has brought us through it, a God that is so much bigger than me, my broken pancreas, or any illness that life throws our way.   I have learned to trust him.  "Never will I leave you, nor forsake you," he said and he never has.  Even in our darkest moments, he remained the only bright hope.  And over and over I thank him for this life.  I will never be able to thank him enough or give back even a small fraction of what he's given me - but that's the amazing part - that is not what he wants.  He wants my heart.  He wants me.  He is a God that loves and a God that created us to seek him.  "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  (Jeremiah 29:13)

Broken pancreas and all, I will praise him over and over.  He is wonderful.

The speck in my eye.

So I'm reading through blogs the other night and notice that there is a floating something or another in my right eye... I try to blink it away but it stays there.  I try to look past it and then just flat out ignore it.  I mention it to hubbie and he tells me to see a doc.  So I say okay and then do nothing about it.

This morning that tiny little speck is back.  It comes and goes but it's as if I have something in my eye but not something that I can wash out.  It moves with my eye as I read something.  But then as soon as I focus on it I can't see it.  It's weird.  I will call my Optometrist (I haven't seen him in quite a few years) and schedule something for tomorrow morning. 

At my last endo appointment he checked my eyes and said everything looks fine... but maybe doing that crazy dialation of the eye would be better.  They can see more. 

I'm not sure if I should be worried or not.  I remember reading that sometimes pregnancies with T1 can have extra strain on the eyes.  And may even lead to a scheduled C-section to prevent further damage. 

Okay, so now I'm concerned.  I want to have a natural delivery again.  That is the plan anyways.  I understand medically I need to do what is best for the baby and for me.  But I also know what I'd like to put down on my "Birth Plan".  While we may deviate from the Plan, I only wish to do so if the medical evidence is pointing us in the direction alone. So yeah.  I'll call up the eye doc's office and let y'all know how it goes.  Pray that everything is a-okay.  I have officially spooked myself.

Heart of the Matter

I just finished a novel by my favorite author, Emily Giffin, "Heart of the Matter".


From her website:

"Tessa Russo is the mother of two young children and the wife of a renowned pediatric surgeon. Despite her mother’s warnings, Tessa has recently given up her career to focus on her family and the pursuit of domestic happiness. From the outside, she seems destined to live a charmed life.

Valerie Anderson is an attorney and single mother to six-year-old Charlie---a boy who has never known his father. After too many disappointments, she has given up on romance---and even, to some degree, friendships---believing that it is always safer not to expect too much.

Although both women live in the same Boston suburb, the two have relatively little in common aside from a fierce love for their children. But one night, a tragic accident causes their lives to converge in ways no one could have imagined.

In alternating, pitch-perfect points of view, Emily Giffin creates a moving, luminous story of good people caught in untenable circumstances. Each being tested in ways they never thought possible. Each questioning everything they once believed. And each ultimately discovering what truly matters most."


While the story was good and the character well developed, I was utterly disappointed with the subject matter: infidelity.  Really?  Really?  This is her fifth book - and of the five, three (well maybe even four if you count Something Blue) deals with cheating and how to deal with it.  She is a superb author and I would love to read a novel by her that allows her characters to be "better than that".  It annoys me so much.

Here's a link to the first chapter of this book:

http://www.emilygiffin.com/books/heartofthematter_ch1.php

After reading that, I thought "Wow, that sounds superb. Maybe her hubbie will be in some sort of car crash and she'll have to go back to work AND nurse him back to health, or maybe she'll be diagnosed with an illness, or maybe they'll be some sort of REAL tragedy in this story."  Doesn't it set it up like that?  Even her three examples of the "before moments" are all illness related.  So one would only imagine that it'll go down that route... but no.  It's about an affair.

So I won't spoil it for - at least I hope I haven't already.  

I thought I could really relate to this book - after our very own "before moment" a year and a half ago.  I can still remember Christmas morning 2008, days before Nate's diagnosis, when the tree of us woke and rushed over to the Christmas tree.  Noah was only walking for about two months or so and I can still picture him "running" down the hall unsure what the excitement is all about but joining in anyways.  But no no.  It's not about a real problem that life throws at you.   Not about dealing with cancer or an invisible disease like Type 1 Diabetes... It is about creating your own problems.   About a string of bad decisions where all along you could have still said "no".  And on top of it all, it hits a little too close to home for me - with a few of my friends' marriages recently ending because of infidelity.

I was brought to tears a few times, but I just wish Giffen would have pulled out those tears on a worthier subject.  It was a good story, but there are so many other troubles in this life.  That subject is so sad to read about and depressing to think about.  I wish she would explore other topics.  She still remains my favorite (with her first book, Something Borrowed, being my #1) right up there with Judy Blume's "Summer Sisters". 

Now there's a book that I've read over a dozen times and every copy I've even owned (over 5 or 6 of them) I've given away. Now as summer approaches I'm getting the itch for it again.  I think I'll head over to Chapters and pick it up again.  It's just that good.

Tired

I am undoubtedly entering the third trimester.  The glory days of the second trimester are winding down as I feel more and more tired every day.  

Today in particular. Hubbie is away for a couple days (we have a long weekend in Canada) on a fishing trip with his brother and I am home with the toddler.  Today we slept in until 10.  Well, I slept in until 10.  Noah slept in until 11!  Crazy right?  "This is great," I thought.  But then he didn't go down for a nap until 4:30 and I was so tired I just took him in my bed and we both took a nap.  He woke up after 6pm and then obviouly did not go to sleep in the evening till much past his regular bed time.  So it threw my whole day outta whack and here I am at 20 to midnight exhausted.

I spent about an hour and a half grocery shopping this evening at Wal*Mart while Noah visited with his best friend, Apko (his grandpa - Nate's dad).  The task was so exhausting.  All those isles.  All those items... Grocery shopping always kills me.  I love sending hubbie a text on his phone with the grocery list and he doesn't mind doing the shopping.  But on this perticular weekend I had to do it - I've got a friend coming in from outta town tomorrow moning and the fridge and pantry needed re-stocking.

In light of my recent carb-cutback, I found myself avoiding the cereal isle altogether.  I love cereal.  I am a cereal monster.  But I gotta do what I gotta do.  This morning it was boiled eggs with whole wheat toast and home-made strawberry jam.  It was okay.  I got bored of over-easy eggs so I wanted to give something else a try... let's boil them I thought.  Hm.  I miss cereal.

When I was pregnant with Noah I remember going through the same thing.  I avoided cereal towards the end.  It just got too hard.  So once I delivered I called down for "room service" the next morning at the hospital and ordered a bowl of cereal among other things.  The crazy thing was that I was listed as a "diabetic" and so they could not serve me everything on the menu.  I was beside myself.  I understand the restriction for Type 2 Diabetics and it makes sense, but I was Type 1.  Hello?  I take insulin.  It was crazy that even within a hospital they did fully understand the difference.

My endocrinologist was on vacation the week that I delivered Noah so there were no instruction given.  I had to wait until the following day for the acting endo. to "okay" my cereal.  Imagine my distress.  There I was with no more placenta that is causing crazy ratios and I still couldn't have what I wanted.

The day that I came home from the hospital my sister-in-law surprised me with a Jumbo size box of Frosted Flakes with a big yellow bow on top.  It was waiting for me on the kitchen table  It was so sweet!

Funny enough, my endo has vacation booked for the last two weeks in August this year.  I am due 1st of Sept!  Go figure!  So it may not lineup again!  I'll have to have him send instructions before he leaves just in case: "Rebeca is okay to have cereal!  Just give her the cereal and no one gets hurt."

Blood Sugar Converstion Chart

Americans like to differ from Canadians.  I like to think of it that way.  They choose to be different. They like to complicate things.  Like measurements.  Does it makes sense to have 8 of something or 12?  Or does it make more sense to measure in incriments of 10?  What's up with the miles too?  Why not just stick with good old kilometers?  See what I mean?  (For all my American friends out there - love ya!)

But no, really.  In measuring blood glucose readings, of course we differ.  Why be like the rest of the world?  Let's be different and make up all kinds of new ways to measure things.  For fun.  To confuse our "little brother" to the north.  Us Canadians are pretty laid back.  We just do what we are told.  If the world mainly measures in KMs so do we.  If they weigh in KGs so do we.  

Ok, ok. I think I made my point.  US and Canada differ in our "scales".  So when T1 diabetics over the border test their BG, their readings are in mg/dL (milligrams per deciliter) while we measure our BG in Canada by mmol/L (Millimoles per liter).  A recent comment on my blog gave me the idea to post this here - as a reference for everyone. 

(Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings - I love Americans... really I do!)

Blood Sugar Conversion chart

USA - CANADA
mg/dl-mmol/L


Low

30-1.7

40-2.2

50-2.8

60-3.3


Normal Blood Sugar

70-3.9

80-4.4

90-5.0

100 5.5

110-6.1

120-6.7

125-6.9


Still okay, but creeping up

126-7.0

140-7.8

155-8.6

160-8.9


On the high side

175-9.7

190-10.6

200-11.1

250-13.9

300-16.7


So high, one should really re-evaluate what sequence of events led to this (*cough* Rebeca) commence considerations to break-up with cereal

400-22.2

500-27.7

600-33.3

The carb terrorist is slain

I've decided that enough is enough.  I have to cut back on carb intake.  This is ridiculous.  Ridiculous, I say.  So no more cereal at breakfast.  Goodbye Two-Scoops; farewell Mini-Wheats; and auf wiedersehen Vector.  Even good ol' meal-replacement-12-grams-of-protein Vector. My breakfast ratios used to be 10:1 and they are now 3:1.  That means that I used to take 7 units of insulin for my 70 g of carbs in my delicious bowl of Two-Scoops... now when I entered 70g of carbs it would show that it wants to give me something like 27.8 u of insulin but it would beep at me: MAX BOLUS EXCEEDED.  So it could only give me the 25 u, then I would have to remember to manually enter in the rest of the units.  That sounds excessive right?  And then I would still spike from 7 to 12.5 then come down within an hour or so, some times even having a low.

I tried everything: dual-wave, regular, square, triangle... okay not triangle, but if that option would have been there I would have tried it.  Nothing would keep me stable if I had cereal.  I love cereal which will be hard to cut out completely.  But what happened over the weekend actually prompted this re-evaluation.

So on my way in to work on Friday at noon I stopped by my pharmacy and picked up four sensors.  I brought them into the office fully intending to put one on right away.  Work got in the way and I forgot all about them under my desk.  I went home at 8 pm after we closed up the bank and finished packing for our weekend visit to my parents who live outta town.  As we were loading the duffel bags in the car and situating Noah in his car seat, I remembered my sensors were under my desk at work.  The bank had long been closed up for the night and so I just decided I'll have to test a lot more this weekend.

Well things were going okay with that and I had really good numbers all of Saturday.  I was visiting my friend Andra and her new baby boy Anthony.  I was "good" all day.  Then in the evening my pump was beeping that I was low on insulin and I decided that I would change my reservoir and my infusion set before bed.  I was being proactive and I was proud of myself.  Some times I would risk it and go to sleep, fingers crossed, that I would not get the awful NO DELIVERY alert in the middle of the night.  So I diligently filled up a new reservoir and primed the pump.  Then went to sleep. 

I woke up in the morning to hear Noah playing downstairs with his grandparents.  I woke up and made my way down the stairs.  Noah was very excited to see me and wanted to have cereal with Mamma.  I grabbed a bowl, the box of Mini-Wheats and a banana.  I poured the cereal and the milk, cut up the banana and Noah jumped up on my lap.  I was having a lively conversation with my parents in between bites.  They were enjoying their coffee and Noah was enjoying being surrounded by loving family.

Then, all of a sudden, I hear the distinctive beep beep beep.  I thought "What does it want now?  There is no way I am low on insulin since I just "did my insulin" last night."  I unclipped my pump off the back of my PJ pants and the pump read, "CONTINUE PRIMING".  I couldn't believe it!  I had not pressed ACT after I finished priming last night.  So my pump was in SUSPEND all night long.  I quickly handed my toddler over to my mom and raced (as fast as a pregnant mamma can go) to the guest bedroom to test and take insulin.  The whole time I'm thinking, "I should have tested before the cereal.  Idiot!"  The tester read 23.  I pressed all the buttons as quickly as I could as to get insulin in me as fast as possible.  I knew it was too late and I would spike EVEN HIGHER because of the cereal.


23 is high.  Really high.  I was worried and anxious and felt like a terrible person. 

Sure enough over the next hour I watched my number spike all the way up to 27.   I was feeling so awful, physically and emotionally.  I kept worrying about Nr. 2.  How could I do this? 27 is so disgustingly high.  Saying I was worried, is an understatement.  I was livid.  Angry and ashamed of my behavior.  I know it was an honest mistake but still if I would have been more proactive with my sensors the CGM would have prevented this. That alert would have beeped and beeped at me in the crazy "the bomb is about to detonate" way and I would have woken up.

I tested every 15-20 min.  Slowly my number were down to 22, then 18 then 13.  By 2pm I was within range (in the 5s and 6s) but the experience was awful.  I feel like a terrible mom.  Like dropping a baby or losing a toddler in a department store.  Maybe those are extreme but still I felt something close to that.  Sheer regret.  I couldn't do anything to undo it.  But I did decide to learn from it.

So for the past two morning Noah and I had eggies for breakfast.  Noah loves it too. He is a big fan of cereal just like his mamma.  But he also loves eggies.  He loves to help mamma "crack the eggie, crack, crack" (he sings a little song with it) and I love the stable - beautifully stable - sugars.

"Working Title" - new blog name coming soon

I feel like my blog has a "working title".  I would like to name my blog.  There are so many fun and creative names out there.  All of them say something about the person behind the blog.  I have an idea and I think I'll go with it. 

It's funny because I feel the same about Nr. 2.  He doesn't have a name yet.  I have a list of options but nothing definitive... and the due date is approching fast - 3.5 months!  I have another 17 working days before I am off on mat leave.  So exciting! 

So in a few days I will have a grand reveal for the new name.  Not for Nr.2 but for the blog. Stay tuned! 

I'm not sure if I will be changing my .com address. Maybe.  I'll have to be creative with transferring my blogs over and contact all my 5 followers.  Hehe.  Hey, I am very excited about these 5 peeps!  Feel free to join the ranks.  It simply makes my day!

Day 6 & 7: A Snapshot & a Dream

This is truly the only picture that I have of me with my pump.  It is taken in the middle of the 1/2 marathon last year.  I used my iPhone to take a shot of my bib, "13015" and you can see my pump sticking out of my little pouch I purchased specifically for the day of the run.  It is an amazing picture to me because it shows me that I can do anything - even run a 1/2 marathon with little training.  I don't have to be some sort of non-diabetic athlete.  I have to just put my mind to it, work hard (some training was required) make sure I am prepared (enough insulin in the pump, a sensor active and working, and Gatorade along the route) and I am set.  

I typically work hard to hide my pump.  Not extremely hard.  I don't mind if I have to clip it to the back of my pants when do not have pockets for a work outfit, I do not mind clipping it to the top of the back of my dress at a wedding and I do not mind "whipping it out in public".  But I do cringle a little when I see it hanging out of a pocket in a picture, or when someone was taking a picture of something and they happen to capture my back (where my pump is usually "hidden").  It catches me offguard.  It makes me ask the question, "When others see that thing hanging around me, what to they think of it?"  I don't really care as much anymore to be perfectly honest.  I can see from the different blogs out here that it's normal to be diabetic - we all are.  And it helps me be a little proud too.  "Look at me world!  I am bigger than this disease.  I am living with it day by day - and I am living well!"

I can't say that I have ever actually dreamed of a cure for diabetes - not in the nigthtime close my eyes and dream a vivid dream sense.  I have thought of it some and I use it as a joke some times.  Someone will ask something they think is innocent (and I guess it is) like "Can you ever go without your pump for even a day?" and I usually answer "Yes, I can.  When they find a cure."  Or some thing along those lines.  

I have a little fear to be honest.  I may have bought into a tiny conspiracy theory.  I remember I read somewhere or someone once told me that even if a cure was reached, the pharmaceutical companies would not allow the cure to be used or found out since that would means millions and millions of dollars of lost revenue for all these companies that keep us alive everyday.  I'm sure you've all heard something like this before.  Or that a lot of the research that is being done out there is being filtered or funded by the pharma. companies - the very people that would be on the street if a vaccine or pill was found that would cure us of this "dirty ol' disease".  Anyone hear anything like this?  

So for now I prepare myself to live my life - with or without diabetes.  I expect it to be with me for the rest of my days.  And I am fine with it, to some extent.

I understand that my life is "but a vapor".  I know that heaven awaits me and God will welcome me home one day and tell me "You've run a good race, Rebeca.  Good job!"  I know this life is a speck, shoved between two eternities.  This is the dream that I will one day wake up from.  I'm not saying what we have here isn't real but rather that it's not lasting.  The bible says  "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceive what God has prepared for those who love him".  So I know one day my pump will be gone and I will sit down at a big feast with unimaginable foods that have no carbs and I won't have to worry about any of that anyhow.  It sounds wishy-washy as I say it out loud - like a fairy tale.  But I believe it.  I can trust God at his word since he has showed me over and over again in my life that He is there for us, that he loves us and even this disease is somehow working at shaping me to be a better person day by day. To live a life more and more pleasing to God.  To respond to the daily grime of diabetes with hope and with patience and grace. 

If that day ever comes when there will be a cure here on Earth for Type 1 Diabetes - I will be all over it.  But until then... I will wait, I will test and I will bolus. 

Day 4 & 5 in one: Carbs and Excerise

We were a little busy yesterday.  Busy at the hospital.  My hubbie has his "chemo port" removed! Yay!  No more chance of needing chemo.  Since his CAT scan came back totally stable earlier this year in February they scheduled the surgery to remove his port.  We were at the hospital at 7 am and by 11 am the "thing" was gone. It was funny.  Nate said the surgeon showed him the "thing" and it reminded him of the disgusting contraption that Neo had removed from his bellybutton in the Matrix.  Funny. 

So once we came home Nate rested for the rest of the day.  He slept until about 7pm when he work up, ate and went back to bed until morning.  Today he feels great.  His upper peck is a sore but other than that he says he feels good.

We are glad to have that "thing" out of our lives.  Not just the port, but the cancer and all the craziness that comes with battling cancer.  We are thankful to God that Nate is well now and cancer-free.  And so excited that we are able to have Nr. 2.  We really thought maybe Noah would be it for us.  They (the cancer specialists) did a good job prepping us for that possibility.  So now we consider this little Nr.2 such a blessing.  He is active and kicking and punching me and I don't mind one bit.  His tiny little hands and feet and elbows don't bother me.  I gingerly "pet" my tummy every time he fidgets around in there.

In regards to carbs, I've been talking carbs this whole week.  And as I talk about it I can hear I ridiculous I sound.  I am giving myself too much slack.  Most of the T1 diabetics out there are eating their meals measured out with measuring cups and spoons.  While I just pour, scoop and eat.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  But I indulge to the extreme.  And there is something wrong with that.  If I want a chocolate bar I will have it.  I will bolus for it and then watch the sugars to make sure they don't get crazy.  But that's not okay.  I never used to touch chocolate bars - like a Snickers or a Mars bar.  It would give me a crazy headache even if I bolused the exact of insulin required.  Not so much lately.  I can have it, bolus and be fine.  But that still doesn't mean a chocolate bar or a whole sleeve of ladyfingers are okay to eat.  Even for a non-diabetic a chocolate bar a day or even every other day is not recommended. 

The other night hubbie and I were discussing this.  We did some research to see if a low-carb diet is okay for a non-diabetic.  Our search was inconclusive.  Mainly because I broke down in tears and said "I do not want to be on a low carb diet!  I would lose my mind if I had to eat a hamburger with lettuce on both top and bottom instead of bread."  I do not want to be restricted to those extremes.  But I also understand that I am way to "lax" with my carbs.  I will find that balance once again.  That is the plan.

So enough about carbs and on to running 1/2 Marathons.  Last year in the summer, hubbie and I joined a co-ed soccer team every Monday.  We really love it!  I made a friend who was a runner and I asked her one day if she knew of a marathon that would allow me to run the Ambassador Bridge (the biggest border crossing in North America - linking Detroit to Windsor).  She was so excited that I was interested in this since she was thinking of signing up for it.  It's called the Detroit Free Press/Flagstar Marathon.  I signed up for the 1/2 marathon (13.1 miles/21.1kms) and started training for it.  I would run about 5km about once or twice a week to the tune of Monkey Business by the Black Eyed Peas.  It was so amazing.  I was the kind of runner that dreaded starting the run but loved it once I got going!  As soon as I would hear the first notes of "Pump it" I would be off.  I could go and go and go. 

The marathon day was amazing.  It started in Detroit, across the Ambassador bridge along the riverfront in Windsor and back into Detroit through the tunnel.  Nate and Noah came to see me at the entrance of the tunnel and they cheered and it really brought tears to my eyes.  I was able to go and go without jogging even until the 10 mile marker.  I remember thinking, "Alright I've got 10km down and I'm almost half-way..." Then I realized: I am in the states.  These are miles!  I only have 3 more miles.  It was an amazing feeling.  Sadly though, since I felt so amazing I thought well now I can slow down a bit and take it easy.  Big mistake. I jogged and walked and ran but those last 3 miles were the hardest.  I crossed the finish line at 2:32:51 and felt amazing.  Later that day - different story.  I become so stiff I could barely walk.  I was also battling a cold but I didn't allow it to let me not attend the race.  So I really paid for it in the coming days. 

From a diabetic perspective everything was fine during training and during the marathon.  As long as I started the run with good sugars they didn't really get affected too much.  I had never run more then 10km from start to finish before the 1/2 marathon which was 26km.  So on the way to the race my friend and I grabbed egg McMuffins from McDonald's and some OJ and so I was hoping that would keep me going.  Then along the way I devised a plan.  Every other water station I would grab a cup of Gatorade and a cup of water.  So I can get some sugar in me and then wash it down with water so that I won't have that sticky sweet taste in my mouth as I ran.  It worked brilliantly.  Within those last 3 miles there were peanut M&Ms being given out and I grabbed a handful and washed them down with water.  I was wearing a sensor and tested before the race to calibrate and everything went smoothly.  My sugars never dipped and never spiked. 

It was a great experience and it I wasn't  having Nr.2 a month before the 2010 marathon I'd be all over it.  Next year. 

I did not run even once since then.  Not an ounce of exercise.  Unless you count the walks around the block now that I'm pregnant.  I'll sometimes pop Noah in the jogging stroller and we'll walk to the park.  But that is about the extent of my exercise regiment.  Maybe once I go on mat. leave I will be able to do more.  Play more.  Chase him around the back yard more... or less since my belly will be bigger and bigger and I'll be more and more tired as I enter third trimester.

Hubbie, my biggest supporter

Day 3: My Hubbie keeps me going

He is amazing.  Even when I screw up he takes care of me so lovingly.  He is the one that finds my purse and attempts to dig out my tester when I'm totally acting weird.  He's the one that asks me during meals - some times a few times a day - "Did you take insulin?"  He's the one that gets out of the warm bed that we're settling in and gets me a glass of OJ before bed.  He's also the one that drops everything and in the middle of his work day drives home to get my insulin pump (which I forgot to reconnect after my shower) and drives it to me at work.  He's the one that leaves the restaurant/friend's house with me when my pump gets a NO DELIVERY alert.  And he doesn't complain.  He doesn't lecture.  He loves me so much.  He tells me about it later, but never in the moment.  He is so wonderful that way. 

I'm sure I don't tell him that enough.  He helps me be a better diabetic.  But he also has the same sentiments as my endo - I enjoy carbs way too much.  With a smirk he tells me, "You're the worst diabetic I know."  The truth is we don't know many diabetics.  And with A1Cs of 6.0% who's he calling a bad diabetic?!  I know he does it to encourage me to be better.  I never get annoyed with him asking me if I've tested or given myself insulin - since so many times he is the only reason I avoid the ridiculous highs that hit when I forget to bolus.  What's funny is that he's usually asks if I bolused when I reach for the second helping or when I am having a very high carb meal.  So instead of him exclaiming something ridiculous like, "Why are you having that?" he knows better and instead makes sure I covered the meal with insulin.  After all, that is how being Type 1 diabetic works.  Cover your meal with insulin... (ew, just got a mental image of insulin poured over my meal - that bitter, nasty smell - ew!  Must be a preggo thing.)

He is the one that insists on the CGM sensors because he knows how much better that is for me in the long run.  He helps me remember that the cost for those little suckers is nothing compare to the benefits. 

He is always the first one I call after the endo appointments to announce my A1C results.  And he is always the one that praises me and celebrates these small victories.

*** As a side note - get this!  The coolest thing happened at my last endo appointment.  I usually have to have my blood work done about a week or two before each appointment.  Even though I'm diabetic - I hate having my blood drawn.  I usually always ask to lay down for them.  This time I forgot to go.  For goodness sake, I have an endo. appt, an OB appt, an ultrasound and blood work EVERY MONTH.  I'm gonna slip with something.  Throw a blood work appt. every month in there somewhere (the one appt I hate the most) and I will sometimes "forget" to have it done from time to time.  Anyways I was very apologetic at my endo appointment and disappointment in myself because I actually really wanted to know my results.  So my fabulous Diabetes Nurse Educator Jacquie said if I wanted she can have my A1C results in 5 min.  I was like, "What?!"  So she whipped out this "A1CNOW" kit.  She asked me to prick my finger with my own "pricker" and then she drew it up in a slightly larger "test strip".  She inserted it into this little A1CNOW black little plastic thingy (it was all so fascinating) and the countdown started on the tiny screen. 4:59, 4:58, 4:57 etc.  Within 5 min my A1C popped up on the screen and it said 6.0%.  I was blown away!  Wow!  I thanked and thanked and thanked them for it.  At the end of my appointment my endo said, "See you in a month.  And don't worry about going for blood work - we'll do up your A1C here in the office when you come."  I was so happy I hugged him!  How cool is that?  I really wanted to share this new small victory. ***

COMING SOON TO AN ENDOCRINOLOGIST'S OFFICE NEAR YOU. Hopefully.

My mom is also a big supporter.  For her it's a little different.  I think she still regards me as her little girl and would love it if she could just "fix" me rather than watch me deal with it.  But I remember when I was first diagnosed I called her later that night to lament and cry a little, saying "woe is me".  But she kept a cool head and told me "Millions of people live with diabetes and it's manageable."  I wasn't aware of this.  I pulled myself together and had a different attitude.  I didn't know until much later that she hung up the phone with me and then cried.  She kept it together as to strengthen me, then allowed herself to break down and cry because she knew her daughter faced a tough battle ahead.  She also asks me if I gave myself insulin on a regular basis.  I don't allow it to annoy me because a lot of times if she wouldn't have mentioned it I wouldn't have done it... I am so absentminded now-a-days.  

There are others in my life that support me - but none compare to my hubbie and or to the way a mom loves.  I can't wait until Noah will join in my little support network.  He already points out "mamma's pump" when he sits next to me and says "Noah too!" when he sees me test my BG.  And I do test him - I'm being proactive.  Sometimes he asks, then he chickens out.  And I say it's okay.  Next time.  He likes to play with the little pricker guy.  I always tell him "Make sure you put a little finggy at the top here." And when he does it, he says "All by himself" indicating that he wants to push the blue button on the lancet "launcher".  It's funny.  I randomly test him just to make sure he hasn't developed it.  He gets about 2 tests a month or so.  Only when he wants to.  The other day he pulled out the little pretend pager out of his Little M.D. toy set and clipped it to his pocket and said "Just like mamma."  And I praised him for it.  Because I figure if he ever gets diagnosed (he has a 1 in 25 chance of getting Type 1 though "genetics" I guess) then at least we'll go on that - mamma has one too.  I'm not sure if it's okay or not.  But that's how it is.  When he asks to be tested when he sees mamma do it, and he allows me to do it, I praise him!  It may come in handy one day.  I pray not, but you never know.  None of us really know what life has in store. 

I'm sure in no time he'll learn how to dial 911 and to bring mama a juice box from the pantry when she isn't acting like herself.  He amazes me since he is only 2 1/2 years-old.  I know soon he'll be my little helper.  After all, 4 more months and he will be a Big Brother. 

Making the low go.

Day 2: What helps me get back to "normal" when my blood glucose level is too low?

It's never good when hubbie and I are having a conversation/discussion/mini-argument and he'll throw in, "Maybe you should test.  You're not thinking straight."  It drives me crazy.  Even if he's right.  It's like asking a girl if it's "that time of the month" because she's being irrational.  You wanna scream at the person.  So I go and test and if I'm not fine then I'll announce the number and he'll graciously bring me a cup of OJ and I'll take it from him and continue with my point.  As the sugar kicks in I start seeing straight again. He has a point.  Wow.  What's great is that he doesn't use that against me.  Although he'll ask again the next time I'm being completely off, he is usually right.  He knows me inside and out - he can tell when I am off better than anyone. 

I always carry DEX4 tabs (huge, fat glucose"coins") in my purse.  They do the job but they taste like chalk sometimes.  Pop and juice is good too but they don't taste good either since usually my taste buds are completely out of whack when I'm low. 

My favorite is to take advantage of the low and have something that is usually "sorta" off-limits.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I don't have many things that are off-limits now-a-days.  That's not good.  I gotta re-evaluate this.  Anyone feel like yelling at me?  Feel free.  I need some sense knocked into me.  For goodness sake, I'm pregnant and diabetic.  Or rather, I'm diabetic and pregnant (in that order)!  I don't get to have whatever I want because I'm pregnant.  Grow some self-control, Rebeca!  (maybe that will do it... for today.)

My scariest low episode was when we flew down to Florida.  We went to bed around midnight the night before and woke up in a panic around 3:30 because we slept in.  So we frantically ran around the house and packed the last minute things and threw it all in the car.  Woke up the sleeping 1 year-old and in his white-too-big-pj-onesie and plopped him in his car seat.  Raced across town to meet our friends who we were driving to the airport with and their annoyed parents who were also flying down with us.  So we were exhausted, rushed, embarrassed and unprepared.  I thought I was doing well, but the craziness of getting to the airport must have really messed up my sugars.  Our flight was at 6:30 and we grabbed some breakfast sandwiches as we raced down to our gate.  Noah was fully awake and wanting to crawl around.  I did not yet have a chance to even change his diaper so it was all soggy and full.  That onesie was really long on him and as he crawled around he really looked like Maggie from The Simpsons. 

Anyways, his diaper overflowed just as they called out last boarding call.  We had no choice but to get on the plane just like that.  I thankfully had stocked him diaper bag with more diapers and wipes the night before but I couldn't decide on the outfit for the plane or his "back-up" outfit so I left it for the morning.  Since we slept in, there was no outfit for the plane (unless you count his Maggie outfit) and there was certainly no back up outfit.  We were a mess.  Our friends' parents were still annoyed and although we were trying to make light of the situation it was not a good start.  Never mind the diabetic that hasn't slept, was running around the house, is stressed beyond belief and on top of it all feels like a failed mom. 

I held Noah in my lap, pee stained onesie, full diaper and all.  Finally once we were in the air I went to the minuscule washroom, changed him and I really don't remember how I dealt with the onesie situation.  I may have just dealt with it.  There was no other option.  I would have purchased a $50 "outfit" from their on-flight magazine but no such luck.  Once we landed in Orlando we got our luggage and rented a car. It was crazy hectic still.  It just didn't stop.  We started hunting for a McDonald's on our way to our hotel and Noah fell asleep in the car seat.  I was starting to feel exhausted and slightly weird.  I opted to stay in the car with Noah while everyone went in to eat in the McDonald's.  Suddenly, as I sat there waiting for hubbie to bring out my order I could feel something really weird happen to my face.  I was twitching.  TWITCHING!  Uncontrollably. I got out my iPhone and tried to text hubbie to tell him to rush out to me now!  I couldn't really properly text.  I must have sent something that sounded desperate because he rushed out with an orange juice and looked at me strangely as my face slowly stopped doing the ugly twitch.  It was so weird. 

Later my endo. explained that my sugar was dropping so fast that my nervous system must have gotten some sort of mixed signals.  It has never happened since.  And I pray it never will again.  It was completely involuntary and I couldn't control it.  So weird.  (Just imagine the cop in Dumb & Dumber when we takes a swig of the beer bottle that is filled with urine - that face!  That's what my face was doing! LOL.)

More common symptoms are sweaty and shaky and a feeling like I'm acting like Beavis.  Eeeeee.  Fists clenched and all.  If I ever wake up in the night and I'm wide awake in seconds ( like literally sitting up and looking around) my shirt is usually soaked and I know I have a low.  I'm not very good at keeping the night stand stocked (something I've been reading in the blogs that most other T1 diabetics do) so I have to stagger to the kitchen to eat the fridge.  I know I should just have some juice but usually I end up having some bread with Nutella and milk or cake or honey on toast with butter.  I am hungry on top of it all.  Once I can think straight I get sleepy again and I walk back to the bedroom where I change my pjs to a dry set and climb back into bed.  That usually happens if I am not wearing a sensor. 

I love having those sensors on but I hate paying for them.  If anyone has any tips on how to have them covered on Canadian soil I would appreciate it!  I know some US insurance companies cover them but Canadian ones, none that I know of. 

But Insurance Company woes are for a different post! I won't open that can of worms. Not today.

A Day in the Life of a Pregnant Type 1 Diabetic

Diabetic Blog Week: DAY 1

So this is me - my day in a nutshell.  Me stuck between a rock and a hardplace.  Stuck with diabetes. Living with and married to diabetes.  It's manageable but a pain.  In so many places.

The last few morning I've been waking up with rising blood sugars.  I am in the 23rd week of my second pregnancy and my insulin resistance is rising and rising, especially in the mornings.  I don't wait to change my basal rates (the "background" insulin that trickels in throughout the whole day) until I see a pattern for a week or so (like before).  Now after two mornings of rising blood sugars, I up it.  Yesterday morning I woke up to see it rising from 6.4 to 7.5 with one arrow up (my CGM - constant glucose monitoring - is set to alert me when it rises above 7.5).  I corrected the basal right away (up by 0.1 from 7 am to 10 am) but for some reason I didn't correct the high until I saw it flatline around 10am at 10...

Then today, although I had a new basal rate already from yesterday, THE SAME THING HAPPEND.  At 7 am I was about 6.6 then by 9:15ish I was up to 10 or so.  So I uped the basal rate another 0.1 units.  I used the niffty Bolus Wizard to input my BG (blood glucose level) of 10 and then told it I am eating a 12-grain bagel with a decaf coffee with 1/2 hot chocolate = about 80 g of carbs.  A little on the high side of carbs but as my endo says, I am a carb terrorist.  He also calls me Carb Queen and other endering names.  He is surprised that I am not gaing weight (other than baby) and that my A1C is at 6.0%.  He says as long as I am doing good, keep on eating what I want.  I am averaging about 300g of carbs a day (Shocking, I know!)

Anyways, now at 11 am the BG is back at 6.7. Yay. A small victory.  Somehow though it feels like it might drop below that soon.  I am feeling very early sign of dropping sugar.  I have some yummy lady fingers at my desk at work just in case.  (PS One month from today - MAT LEAVE!!!)

Lunch is in two hours and I don't know what I feel like eating.  Earlier in the pregnancy I had some amazing cravings that kept lunch interesting.  I was craving sushi for about a week straight - and that's what I had.  I made sure to have only cooked or veggie ones.  And that Saturday night (after having sushi almost EVERY DAY for lunch) hubbie took me out to a fancy sushi restaurant on a date.  It was glorious.  Then that died.  No more sushi cravings. 

I once craved a pannini so bad that I drove 15 km on my lunch just to get the best one in town.  Then there was the week when I craved chicken salad with Ranch from Subway.  Now they've all gone away... no more cravings.  I miss them - it always guaranteed that I would have a satisfying lunch - as long as I had EXACTLY what I craved.  Oh, there was also the Chinese Food craving (during my first pregnancy I could not stand even the thought of Chinese food).  Another 15 km drive to the mall to get MANCHU-WOK.  For this one I had to bolus for about 90 g of carbs with a Dual-Wave Bolus (half of the insulin gets delivered now and the other 50% over the next 2 hours).  The first couple times that worked out well, but the last two times after the two hour delivery expired I saw my BG creep up.  So now I am doing it for four hours.  It's crazy how much changes - baby, baby, baby.

It's now 11:50am and sure enough the low I was sensing is now confired at 4.4.  Someone brough in Tim Hortons donuts and I am eyeing that Honey Cruller. What a wonderful excuse to have it - I have a low.

My after lunch BGs are okay.  Nothing exciting to note there.

My day at work usually ends around 5.  Most days are a typical 9-5 at the bank.  But thanks to my type 1 Diabetes it's never "typical".  There are highs and there are lows.   Sometimes there are more lows than highs.  But typical for me is up and down like a yo-yo. 

Dinner is unsually unplanned.  It's something that I've always struggled with.  So usually it's take out or something last minute.  Hubbie does not like this and neither do I.  It's a horrible habit and I can't seem to shake it.  I really enjoy cooking and baking but I hate planning it out.  I don't like grocery shopping either.  And my in-laws live just around the corner.  Very often when I pick up Noah at the end of the day (around 5:15ish) they offer something very delicious to take take home... still considered "Take Out" right?  Home-cooked and scrumptious but still not a meal I cooked.  It sounds awful but if I cook twice in a week - it's a good week!  Tonight is not one of those planned out dinners.  I actually do not know what's for dinner tonight.  Had it not been for this post it woudn't have even been on my radar... So now I'm thinking "What for dinner?"

My evening consist of hanging out with the little monkey and hubbie.  We eat something ( I promise I don't starve my family) and then hang out.  We play "Whack-a-Moley" or play with train tracks or play hockey with our little left-handed toddler and his favorite blue hockey "tick".  My sugars are kindda unstable after dinner... but that is usually because for dinner I most often bolus (tell my pump to give me insulin for the meal I am eating) half way through or at the end of the meal.  I simply forget I am diabetic.  Hubbie usually asks "Did you give yourself insulin?"  Most of the times it's "No, thanks for reminding me."  I'm not sure why.  How can that escape me?  I have been diabetic for 5 years and have never eaten a single meal (save for the very very random salad meals...) without taking insulin.  It takes only 21 days to establish a new routine right?  I've had roughly 1798 days to get that down... so what's up?

Anyways, we snack a lot in the evening too.  Noah's bed time is around 9ish and then it's mommy and daddy time.  We watch a movie or a show we downloaded that we missed that week.  I usually have to guess the carb content for snacking. 

Before bed I grab a glass of water for the preggo vitamins and find my purse so I can test my sugar and charge my iPhone. There is nothing more annoying then a middle of the night alarm that asks me to test.  Nothing annoys hubbie more too.  I don't mind "snoozing" that alarm but it will go off again in an hour, I think.  So I try to remember to test just before bed. 

My overnight sugars are good for now.  Somehow my snacking from the night before works itself out almost always.

So there it is.  That is a quiet day.  No infusion set to change, no needles to poke and bleed, no sensor to replace or 1-800-MiniMed to call to trouble shoot why my sensor is getting Error after Error after Lost Sensor after Cal Error alerts.  No pharmacy mix-ups or payments.  And the ever famous but much dreaded "NO DELIVERY" alert when we are sitting down at a restaurant or at a friends house.  That means right away departure.  Either make a bee-line for home or call up 24-hr Shoppers Drug Mart for my "back-up" stash of insulin.  I also keep a vial at work in the fridge with a syring in a "secret" spot so I can just inject some more insulin into the existing reservior in my pump.  Then I try to remember to change the infusion set when I get home.

Or the crazy days when no matter how much you stack and stack your insulin it won't come down.  Until it does and then you crash!

Life isn't easy but it's doable.  We are still blessed and we still make do.  Every day is not the same.  Never the same.  But maybe that's a good thing.  Who wants to be ordinary?

Celebrating Mother's Day 1.5 times

So Mothers Day 2010 is wrapping up.  Noah is down for the night and hubbie and I are about to settle in to a movie.

This year I was able to enjoy being a mom to Noah and to Nr. 2.  It's true - even though this baby is not born yet I am already mothering him with everything in me.  I have to be so much more careful with this "unseen" baby than with the sweet little toddler that walks around and looks like me.  Although I shouldn't say "unseen" since EVERYONE can see the belly before they see me!

Which actually reminds me about something really annoying that everyone is commenting on lately.  I am finding that I get so irritated lately when people exclaim or ask me if I'm going to have "a really big baby" since I am diabetic.  I get it at least 3 or 4 times at work, a day.  No joke.  I think the next person that asks me that will really get an earful.  Random clients or even acquaintances will do this weird face and say something stupid like - "So because you're diabetic you make really big babies."

The reason that annoys the crap out of me is because it's so ignorant.  I feel like they are judging me.  While I understand that babies of diabetics can be bigger than other babies, it is not the standard.  And in fact the "risk" of a big baby is present if the maternal blood sugars were not tightly controlled.  So I guess I feel like they are personally attacking me and disregarding all the hard work I'm putting into this pregnancy and offering up the only tidbit of "knowledge" they know.  And when I hear someone say "You MAKE big babies" it further implies that I am defective somehow.  And while that may be true in some ways because, yes, my pancreas is broken - I do not PRODUCE big babies.


Noah was 9 lbs 9 oz when he was born but my endo. said that was not due to the fact that he was a child of a diabetic mom.  I maintained A1Cs of 5.6% and had no complications of any kind!  My child was a bigger kid.  He was not chubby or chunky and he was never a "Michelin-Man" baby.  He was just a bigger kid. 


I'm venting, I know.  But seriously people are so ignorant and it drives me up the wall.  Why do we as diabetics not receive the same common courtesy as other "sick" people?  No one would ever go up to a cancer patient and said "You're probably going to lose your hair eh?" No.  They understand that they should be gracious and watch their mouth.  They can choose to say something nice instead - "Wow, you're all baby!"  or "You are really glowing!" or say nothing.  Having a big baby for a diabetic is a "complication" or a "risk" so why do these people think that they can simple mention it in passing?  Wow. Some people.


On a lighter note I received the "sickest" gift for Mother's Day this year.  I was just talking with some girls at work on Thursday night about what are appropriate Mother's Day gifts.  Some of us younger, newly married girls were saying that a dishwasher or a sleek kitchen faucet would be a sweet gift.  But the unmarried ones were totally not "getting it".  How can a kitchen "appliance" be a good gift?

Well I stood my ground and funny enough I get home that night and hubbie announces we are heading to Lowe's in the States (we live in a border city).  I probed into the nature of our spontaneous trip to a "home improvement" store and he brought me over to our MAC and showed me the sweetest YOUTUBE video.  For Mother's Day this year he wanted to buy me this sexy Delta Touch2o Technology kitchen faucet.  I was blown away!  I had seen this thing in all kinds of home decor magazines and always wanted it but never dared admit it.

If your hands are dirty with, let's say raw chicken, you simply touch the faucet with your wrist and the water turns on.  Therefore not contaminating the knobs of the faucet.  I recall the tag line for the faucet ads (sad, I know) - "The facet your wrist has been waiting for."


We installed it yesterday and it is a dream.  Really - a dream.

Anthony

Anthony, May 8th, 2010, 1 hour old

"Children are a gift from the Lord" Psalm 127:3

One of my long time best friends, Andra, just had a baby this morning, Anthony - born at 8 am on the dot.  He is so sweet and so precious. 

It's been so exciting to be pregnant at the same time as one of my closest friends.  We've known each other for 15 years and I really can't believe it - we are both moms!  I still see her as the little girl that I used to walk home from grade school with, singing "I've been thinking about you, I've thinking about you, baby!  I've been thinking, I've been praying, just about you, YOU HUNK!" (a song we made up... LOL).  I remember when the "toonie", the Canadian two-dollar coin came out in 1996, and we watched the "Big Reveal" on the bubbled TV screen.  I remember pulling out a new bag of milk one day in the summer and while she held the bag on the table I snipped the corner.  We certainly laughed until we cried over that spilled milk.

As soon as she called to let me know she was pregnant last year late in the fall, I got the pregnancy itch.  Suddenly it was time for me and hubbie to "start trying".  So we followed suit, and announced our pregnancy New Years Day 2010.

Earlier this year, I was able to help her out with her baby shower registry.  So there we were two preggos waddling around in Toys R US and going scanner-happy. We've taken quite a few pictures with our growing bellies every chance we got.  She was such a glorious preggo lady.  She somehow found the time to curl her hair with hot rollers almost every day!  She was all baby in the front and strutted around in black tights and the cutest preggo tops.  We talked and talked about pregnancy and delivery; over email, over the phone and over texts.  I shared with her everything I could possibly remember about my delivery with Noah.  She was very thankful for the advice and tried to absorb everything like a sponge.  Not that I'm an expert or anything, but having gone through it once you kindda know what to expect and that is a leg-up on any first-time-mom. 

I'm letting the tired mama catch up on the sleep she missed last night before begging her for all the details of the birth.  Her little boy is beautiful and she was emotional and filled with love when I talked to her this morning.  I can't wait to hold the little monkey next weekend when I go for a visit. 

But even more it makes me long for the day when I will also hold my very own second little monkey, Nr. 2.

I dream of laundry

So I dug and I dug until I found it.  My novel.  Well it's really a manuscript I guess.  I hope it will be turned into a paperback soon!  How exciting!  It's pretty funny since I was only 17-years-old when I wrote it.  It's a little juvinile but still pretty good.  Reading it all over again after so many years has really brought back so many of the memories of that weekend, of my first love.  I can't wait to sit down with my friend the "editor" in July and see what she thinks.  In the mean time, I am really going to start writing Part 2, "untitled". 

The countdown to my mat. leave continues.  26 more working days. I have dreams of getting laundry done, and making the beds and cleaning out hubbie's closet.  But most of all I can't wait to start working on the basement.  I'm not sure how much I can do since I can't help with the huge sheets of drywall.  Mudding and sanding is pretty much out - the drywall dust is a concern.  Painting is out for sure - too many fumes.  Electrical will be taken care of by my Master Electrician hubbie and the flooring by some friends...  So there it is.  I guess I will supervise and make sure everything is on schedule.  I can't wait!

I had an appointment with my high risk OB today.  The results of the Fetal Echo. came back and Nr. 2's heart is perfect.  It was a very long and detailed ultrasound where the technician and a radiologist looks at Nr. 2's heart.  They must have spend about 45 min to an hour just looking at this side, then the other... The fact that Nr. 2 was doing jumping jacks and summer-saults didn't help matters.  I was there at least an hour and a half.  The results are good.  There are no concerns at all.  This mom is so relived.  I am so glad so far everything is normal with this pregnancy.  Praise God!  I can only keep tight control and keep those Constant Glucose Monitoring devices "implanted" under the skin (that sounds gross... but it works).

Struggles and Blessings

"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" Nahum 1:7

I've heard this verse at least four or five times this week.  I have since memorized it and I have taken it to heart.  My husband and I are in the middle of a new church plant.  We are a small gathering of Slavic people that have a passion for a God that is good.  One that promised to be a refuge in times of trouble.  A God that is ever-present and One that we can trust.  We have a common vision and we wish that the people in our community would know how God has changed our lives, changed the way we look at the world and changed our whole existence.  He is a God that is reaching out to us, a God that loves us and wants to be known by us.

I can feel Him in our lives daily.  Through the blessings and especially the struggles : 

• I was immensely blessed with Nathan.  He is exactly what my heart desired.  The weekend I met him I was focusing on a verse from the Bible, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." And God planted him in my life almost instantly.  I was ready to wait and wait but God knew better.

• I didn't understand why I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at age 20, but I knew that I could trust him through it and I would be okay.  It was scary but I was encouraged by the support of family and friends. 

• My pregnancy with Noah was considered High Risk.  There were so many doctors' appointments and so many ultrasounds and non-stress tests, and monthly blood tests. I had to keep constant tight control of my daily blood sugars.  God's hand was on Noah because we had no complications whatsoever!  He is a very healthy, happy, and wonderful toddler!   

• We felt His hand at work in our lives when he blessed us with a beautiful house that we would never been able to afford unless it had the fire.  We knew he blessed us when we were able to restore it within 4 months at minimal cost. 

• My dad was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  I knew I had only two options, I could either go through this with God, or without.  But either way I had to go through it with my mom.  I chose to trust that God knew what was going on, he saw the BIG picture and I would trust him and not despair.  I tried to be there for my mom emotionally and comfort her as my dad went through the treatments.

• Nate's diagnosis was a miracle.  If it wouldn't have been for the sudden sever chest pain a few days before Christmas he would never have gone into the ER. Even just the simple X-ray showed a fist-size growth in his chest.  Within a week he was diagnosed with Lymphoma and treatment was scheduled.  Within days of that X-ray the pain went away, weeks before any kind of treatment was started on Nate.

• We were told there was a possibility that we would never be able to conceive again since the treatments that Nate went through were very invasive.  We thanked God for Noah and settled in our hearts that he would be more than enough.  Yet here I am, pregnant with Nr. 2.

God IS good!  He IS a refuge in times of trouble! He most certainly cares for those that trust in him!!!

Looking back through all those trials and blessings I can feel my heart swell with appreciation and a feeling of hope fills my soul.  God has proven Himself to us over and over again.  He hasn't left us in the thick of it before, why would he now?

My Novel

Twenty-nine more working days until I will be off for at least a year.  I will be taking maternity leave two months early from my fabulous job in the banking industry.  I will then extend my maternity leave until Nr. 2 is at least a year.  So therefore I will be off for about one year and three months. 

Now that I've booked Deer Park I have something to look forward to and I am pumped about it!  We ended up renting "Butternut" and not "The Hutch".  Still so full of memories. 

During my senior year in High School I wrote a novel titled "Deer Park" about the weekend that I met Nathan.  It was a very accurate recollection of that weekend.  I didn't alter or add anything to it.  It's funny that there was enough drama that weekend to fill 100 pages of a "coming-of-age" novel.  And I am happy to say that there's a happy ending to this novel. 

I've also been thinking about writing a sequel.  Although I met Nathan that weekend at Deer Park, we did not start dating until a month later.  Another drama filled weekend.  My story with Nathan has been nothing short of a fairy tale.  None of the drama was caused by him but rather a manipulative ex-boyfriend and girlfriends that wanted only the best for me but were terribly wrong in their advice.  Unfortunately, the ex-B was invited to our spring retreat at Deer Park.  He showed up; much to my surprise.  The ex-B detested Nathan only because he could tell that we were completely captivated by each other.  And then again one month later when Nate and I started dating the ex-B was right there in the middle of it all.  I was part of a youth choir at my church and we were putting on a big production.  Nate came down for the weekend to visit me and take me out a few times.  My friends thought they were being nice when they invited the ex-B to this event too.  Boy were they wrong, again. With his super mocho personality and martial arts fighter instincts he was like a pit-bull.  Nate was completely innocent and loving and only at my request did Nate not engage in the confrontations the ex-B was prompting.  My skin goosebumps just thinking of the details.

The more I think about it (the memories are still so fresh) the more I feel inspired to start that second novel.  I have a friend that has her own publishing company and has promised to be my editor and publish my novel, even if only 10 copies or so!  How awesome would that be?!

The only problem is that I wrote Deer Park during the age of the floppy disk.  The electronic copy of this novel is "gone with the wind".  I have one of the paper drafts kicking around somewhere.  I would have to re-type it.  Which may not be so bad since I wrote this novel at the age of 17.  Some slight grammatical or narrative changes or additions might not be so bad.  I still want to keep true to the story as it happened.  It really was so romantic and perfect.  There is not need to embellish it at all.  Our story is so great.  It needs to be shared.  It's a story of love at first sight (no joke!) but also of friendship, innocence and most of all coming of age. 

When "The Notebook" came out, I though "Well look at that - they stole my idea."

Maybe I'll use be able to use some of my year off to publish Deer Park and complete my second novel.  I am now busting with excitement (and with baby!)