My Paradise

I wake up this morning to the sounds of birds and in the distance I can hear the gentle lapping of Lake Huron.  We have arrived.  We are at Deer Park - the cottage resort where Nate and I met ten years ago.

Time has flown.  Ten years.  I've graduated high school, then college, got engaged, married, diabetes, pregnant, had a baby boy, got through hubbie's cancer and now I'm a pregnant with our second child.  What a ride!  How much I've grown, how much I've changed... yet at heart I am the same.  The same giddy little girl that once dreamed of what life would be like at 25 (going on 26), the same hopeful, optimistic little girl that God loved enough to bless immensely.  The same...yet different.  I would have never believed it if someone told me.  How much can happen in 10 years. 

I am the first to wake up this morning and the cottage is still.  I open the windows, turn off the fireplace and have a banana.  I settle down with the laptop in a cushioned "log" chair and begin to wonder.  Today will be fun.  Noah will continue his adventures in the sand, daddy will take a nap on the beach and mamma will get a little tan... I will be applying sun like one might apply ice - 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off.

I head down to the deserted beach and step out on the cool sand.  I stand at the water's edge and look out at the horizon.  The sun, just peaking over the trees far behind me, is making his ascend into the sky.  Everything is still.  The waves are small, but the sound is still one that calms my heart.  I plop down on a fat piece of drift wood and ponder.  I think of those ten years again.  What life will be like for us in another 10 years.  Noah will be a teenager (a scary thought for sure), Nr 2 will be 10 and hubbie and I in our late thirties.  I wonder if we'll have more kids.  I wonder what we'll look like.  I wonder what our family dynamic will be like.  I wonder about my diabetes.  Will insulin pumps be really that much more advancedt?  Will sensors survive more than 6 days?  Will there be a cure?

I expect my parents to arrive shortly.  They are visiting us for the day.  On Monday they are departing to Europe for three months.  They should arrive back in Canada about a week before Nr. 2.  They will be missed so much.  But for this weekend, Noah will once again be surrounded by grandparents. 

We've had visitors all weekend.  Yesterday one of my childhood best friend Andra and her hubbie, stopped by with their three-week-old, Anthony.  It was fun just catching up and holding that little bundle of joy.  Today my parents are visiting as well a family from the small Slovak church.  I love sharing this place with friends and family.  It is such a place.  Where coming alone is nice, but coming with others or friends and family visiting makes Deer Park magical.  The cottages dance and the trees sing.  Sounds corny, but to me - this is the ideal destination. 

I stand up, dust off my pj pants and start heading back up to the cottage.  I'm sure the family is up by now.  We drove up here with Nate's parents.  They are both wonderful people and we enjoy spending time with them.  Noah and his grandpa, Apko as he calls him in Slovak, are best friends, "just like McQueen and Mater" as my son says.  They played together most of yesterday, Apko building sand castles and Noah jumping on them with both feet.

My little bundle of joy is kicking and kicking.  Nr. 2 loves it here too!  We are Deer Parkers for life.  I imagine I will one day come here with Noah's kids and Nr. 2's kids and I will be the grandma.  What a thought.  Noah married... me, a grandma to his kids.  Nope.  Can't see it, even if I try.  I wonder how I'll be.  I wonder if I'll be around.... with the diabetes, you never know...  But being ever-optimistic, I have faith that I will be around for a long long time.  Clicking away at my pump and not allowing the 'betes to tell me what to do. 

I picked up a nice pair of designer sunglasses at the optometrist office yesterday.   He took some retinal imaging and he said everything is super, super perfect.  He showed me the retina of a 40-year-old diabetic who was in to see him for the very first time and it was a mess.  He showed me that as a way to show me just how good my eyes were.  I was excited.

And as for the speck - it's a "floater".  Totally harmless, totally natural.  I thought, "Cool," and picked up a pair of "prescription" sunglasses.  Thank you insurance company.  Sometimes they DO come through for me.

Now back in the cottage the family begins to stir.  Although today's weather forecast boasts 28 C (82 F), the morning air is crisp.  With the windows open and the fireplace off, the cabin has cooled off.  I will soon start on breakfast - eggs and bacon with orange juice and coffee.  Breakfast of champions... or of vacationers.

Later on today I will continue working on my novel.  It's been a fun ride so far - this life of mine.  Even with the 'betes, the cancer, the letdowns - I know we have a God that has brought us through it, a God that is so much bigger than me, my broken pancreas, or any illness that life throws our way.   I have learned to trust him.  "Never will I leave you, nor forsake you," he said and he never has.  Even in our darkest moments, he remained the only bright hope.  And over and over I thank him for this life.  I will never be able to thank him enough or give back even a small fraction of what he's given me - but that's the amazing part - that is not what he wants.  He wants my heart.  He wants me.  He is a God that loves and a God that created us to seek him.  "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  (Jeremiah 29:13)

Broken pancreas and all, I will praise him over and over.  He is wonderful.

The speck in my eye.

So I'm reading through blogs the other night and notice that there is a floating something or another in my right eye... I try to blink it away but it stays there.  I try to look past it and then just flat out ignore it.  I mention it to hubbie and he tells me to see a doc.  So I say okay and then do nothing about it.

This morning that tiny little speck is back.  It comes and goes but it's as if I have something in my eye but not something that I can wash out.  It moves with my eye as I read something.  But then as soon as I focus on it I can't see it.  It's weird.  I will call my Optometrist (I haven't seen him in quite a few years) and schedule something for tomorrow morning. 

At my last endo appointment he checked my eyes and said everything looks fine... but maybe doing that crazy dialation of the eye would be better.  They can see more. 

I'm not sure if I should be worried or not.  I remember reading that sometimes pregnancies with T1 can have extra strain on the eyes.  And may even lead to a scheduled C-section to prevent further damage. 

Okay, so now I'm concerned.  I want to have a natural delivery again.  That is the plan anyways.  I understand medically I need to do what is best for the baby and for me.  But I also know what I'd like to put down on my "Birth Plan".  While we may deviate from the Plan, I only wish to do so if the medical evidence is pointing us in the direction alone. So yeah.  I'll call up the eye doc's office and let y'all know how it goes.  Pray that everything is a-okay.  I have officially spooked myself.

Heart of the Matter

I just finished a novel by my favorite author, Emily Giffin, "Heart of the Matter".


From her website:

"Tessa Russo is the mother of two young children and the wife of a renowned pediatric surgeon. Despite her mother’s warnings, Tessa has recently given up her career to focus on her family and the pursuit of domestic happiness. From the outside, she seems destined to live a charmed life.

Valerie Anderson is an attorney and single mother to six-year-old Charlie---a boy who has never known his father. After too many disappointments, she has given up on romance---and even, to some degree, friendships---believing that it is always safer not to expect too much.

Although both women live in the same Boston suburb, the two have relatively little in common aside from a fierce love for their children. But one night, a tragic accident causes their lives to converge in ways no one could have imagined.

In alternating, pitch-perfect points of view, Emily Giffin creates a moving, luminous story of good people caught in untenable circumstances. Each being tested in ways they never thought possible. Each questioning everything they once believed. And each ultimately discovering what truly matters most."


While the story was good and the character well developed, I was utterly disappointed with the subject matter: infidelity.  Really?  Really?  This is her fifth book - and of the five, three (well maybe even four if you count Something Blue) deals with cheating and how to deal with it.  She is a superb author and I would love to read a novel by her that allows her characters to be "better than that".  It annoys me so much.

Here's a link to the first chapter of this book:

http://www.emilygiffin.com/books/heartofthematter_ch1.php

After reading that, I thought "Wow, that sounds superb. Maybe her hubbie will be in some sort of car crash and she'll have to go back to work AND nurse him back to health, or maybe she'll be diagnosed with an illness, or maybe they'll be some sort of REAL tragedy in this story."  Doesn't it set it up like that?  Even her three examples of the "before moments" are all illness related.  So one would only imagine that it'll go down that route... but no.  It's about an affair.

So I won't spoil it for - at least I hope I haven't already.  

I thought I could really relate to this book - after our very own "before moment" a year and a half ago.  I can still remember Christmas morning 2008, days before Nate's diagnosis, when the tree of us woke and rushed over to the Christmas tree.  Noah was only walking for about two months or so and I can still picture him "running" down the hall unsure what the excitement is all about but joining in anyways.  But no no.  It's not about a real problem that life throws at you.   Not about dealing with cancer or an invisible disease like Type 1 Diabetes... It is about creating your own problems.   About a string of bad decisions where all along you could have still said "no".  And on top of it all, it hits a little too close to home for me - with a few of my friends' marriages recently ending because of infidelity.

I was brought to tears a few times, but I just wish Giffen would have pulled out those tears on a worthier subject.  It was a good story, but there are so many other troubles in this life.  That subject is so sad to read about and depressing to think about.  I wish she would explore other topics.  She still remains my favorite (with her first book, Something Borrowed, being my #1) right up there with Judy Blume's "Summer Sisters". 

Now there's a book that I've read over a dozen times and every copy I've even owned (over 5 or 6 of them) I've given away. Now as summer approaches I'm getting the itch for it again.  I think I'll head over to Chapters and pick it up again.  It's just that good.

Tired

I am undoubtedly entering the third trimester.  The glory days of the second trimester are winding down as I feel more and more tired every day.  

Today in particular. Hubbie is away for a couple days (we have a long weekend in Canada) on a fishing trip with his brother and I am home with the toddler.  Today we slept in until 10.  Well, I slept in until 10.  Noah slept in until 11!  Crazy right?  "This is great," I thought.  But then he didn't go down for a nap until 4:30 and I was so tired I just took him in my bed and we both took a nap.  He woke up after 6pm and then obviouly did not go to sleep in the evening till much past his regular bed time.  So it threw my whole day outta whack and here I am at 20 to midnight exhausted.

I spent about an hour and a half grocery shopping this evening at Wal*Mart while Noah visited with his best friend, Apko (his grandpa - Nate's dad).  The task was so exhausting.  All those isles.  All those items... Grocery shopping always kills me.  I love sending hubbie a text on his phone with the grocery list and he doesn't mind doing the shopping.  But on this perticular weekend I had to do it - I've got a friend coming in from outta town tomorrow moning and the fridge and pantry needed re-stocking.

In light of my recent carb-cutback, I found myself avoiding the cereal isle altogether.  I love cereal.  I am a cereal monster.  But I gotta do what I gotta do.  This morning it was boiled eggs with whole wheat toast and home-made strawberry jam.  It was okay.  I got bored of over-easy eggs so I wanted to give something else a try... let's boil them I thought.  Hm.  I miss cereal.

When I was pregnant with Noah I remember going through the same thing.  I avoided cereal towards the end.  It just got too hard.  So once I delivered I called down for "room service" the next morning at the hospital and ordered a bowl of cereal among other things.  The crazy thing was that I was listed as a "diabetic" and so they could not serve me everything on the menu.  I was beside myself.  I understand the restriction for Type 2 Diabetics and it makes sense, but I was Type 1.  Hello?  I take insulin.  It was crazy that even within a hospital they did fully understand the difference.

My endocrinologist was on vacation the week that I delivered Noah so there were no instruction given.  I had to wait until the following day for the acting endo. to "okay" my cereal.  Imagine my distress.  There I was with no more placenta that is causing crazy ratios and I still couldn't have what I wanted.

The day that I came home from the hospital my sister-in-law surprised me with a Jumbo size box of Frosted Flakes with a big yellow bow on top.  It was waiting for me on the kitchen table  It was so sweet!

Funny enough, my endo has vacation booked for the last two weeks in August this year.  I am due 1st of Sept!  Go figure!  So it may not lineup again!  I'll have to have him send instructions before he leaves just in case: "Rebeca is okay to have cereal!  Just give her the cereal and no one gets hurt."

Blood Sugar Converstion Chart

Americans like to differ from Canadians.  I like to think of it that way.  They choose to be different. They like to complicate things.  Like measurements.  Does it makes sense to have 8 of something or 12?  Or does it make more sense to measure in incriments of 10?  What's up with the miles too?  Why not just stick with good old kilometers?  See what I mean?  (For all my American friends out there - love ya!)

But no, really.  In measuring blood glucose readings, of course we differ.  Why be like the rest of the world?  Let's be different and make up all kinds of new ways to measure things.  For fun.  To confuse our "little brother" to the north.  Us Canadians are pretty laid back.  We just do what we are told.  If the world mainly measures in KMs so do we.  If they weigh in KGs so do we.  

Ok, ok. I think I made my point.  US and Canada differ in our "scales".  So when T1 diabetics over the border test their BG, their readings are in mg/dL (milligrams per deciliter) while we measure our BG in Canada by mmol/L (Millimoles per liter).  A recent comment on my blog gave me the idea to post this here - as a reference for everyone. 

(Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings - I love Americans... really I do!)

Blood Sugar Conversion chart

USA - CANADA
mg/dl-mmol/L


Low

30-1.7

40-2.2

50-2.8

60-3.3


Normal Blood Sugar

70-3.9

80-4.4

90-5.0

100 5.5

110-6.1

120-6.7

125-6.9


Still okay, but creeping up

126-7.0

140-7.8

155-8.6

160-8.9


On the high side

175-9.7

190-10.6

200-11.1

250-13.9

300-16.7


So high, one should really re-evaluate what sequence of events led to this (*cough* Rebeca) commence considerations to break-up with cereal

400-22.2

500-27.7

600-33.3

The carb terrorist is slain

I've decided that enough is enough.  I have to cut back on carb intake.  This is ridiculous.  Ridiculous, I say.  So no more cereal at breakfast.  Goodbye Two-Scoops; farewell Mini-Wheats; and auf wiedersehen Vector.  Even good ol' meal-replacement-12-grams-of-protein Vector. My breakfast ratios used to be 10:1 and they are now 3:1.  That means that I used to take 7 units of insulin for my 70 g of carbs in my delicious bowl of Two-Scoops... now when I entered 70g of carbs it would show that it wants to give me something like 27.8 u of insulin but it would beep at me: MAX BOLUS EXCEEDED.  So it could only give me the 25 u, then I would have to remember to manually enter in the rest of the units.  That sounds excessive right?  And then I would still spike from 7 to 12.5 then come down within an hour or so, some times even having a low.

I tried everything: dual-wave, regular, square, triangle... okay not triangle, but if that option would have been there I would have tried it.  Nothing would keep me stable if I had cereal.  I love cereal which will be hard to cut out completely.  But what happened over the weekend actually prompted this re-evaluation.

So on my way in to work on Friday at noon I stopped by my pharmacy and picked up four sensors.  I brought them into the office fully intending to put one on right away.  Work got in the way and I forgot all about them under my desk.  I went home at 8 pm after we closed up the bank and finished packing for our weekend visit to my parents who live outta town.  As we were loading the duffel bags in the car and situating Noah in his car seat, I remembered my sensors were under my desk at work.  The bank had long been closed up for the night and so I just decided I'll have to test a lot more this weekend.

Well things were going okay with that and I had really good numbers all of Saturday.  I was visiting my friend Andra and her new baby boy Anthony.  I was "good" all day.  Then in the evening my pump was beeping that I was low on insulin and I decided that I would change my reservoir and my infusion set before bed.  I was being proactive and I was proud of myself.  Some times I would risk it and go to sleep, fingers crossed, that I would not get the awful NO DELIVERY alert in the middle of the night.  So I diligently filled up a new reservoir and primed the pump.  Then went to sleep. 

I woke up in the morning to hear Noah playing downstairs with his grandparents.  I woke up and made my way down the stairs.  Noah was very excited to see me and wanted to have cereal with Mamma.  I grabbed a bowl, the box of Mini-Wheats and a banana.  I poured the cereal and the milk, cut up the banana and Noah jumped up on my lap.  I was having a lively conversation with my parents in between bites.  They were enjoying their coffee and Noah was enjoying being surrounded by loving family.

Then, all of a sudden, I hear the distinctive beep beep beep.  I thought "What does it want now?  There is no way I am low on insulin since I just "did my insulin" last night."  I unclipped my pump off the back of my PJ pants and the pump read, "CONTINUE PRIMING".  I couldn't believe it!  I had not pressed ACT after I finished priming last night.  So my pump was in SUSPEND all night long.  I quickly handed my toddler over to my mom and raced (as fast as a pregnant mamma can go) to the guest bedroom to test and take insulin.  The whole time I'm thinking, "I should have tested before the cereal.  Idiot!"  The tester read 23.  I pressed all the buttons as quickly as I could as to get insulin in me as fast as possible.  I knew it was too late and I would spike EVEN HIGHER because of the cereal.


23 is high.  Really high.  I was worried and anxious and felt like a terrible person. 

Sure enough over the next hour I watched my number spike all the way up to 27.   I was feeling so awful, physically and emotionally.  I kept worrying about Nr. 2.  How could I do this? 27 is so disgustingly high.  Saying I was worried, is an understatement.  I was livid.  Angry and ashamed of my behavior.  I know it was an honest mistake but still if I would have been more proactive with my sensors the CGM would have prevented this. That alert would have beeped and beeped at me in the crazy "the bomb is about to detonate" way and I would have woken up.

I tested every 15-20 min.  Slowly my number were down to 22, then 18 then 13.  By 2pm I was within range (in the 5s and 6s) but the experience was awful.  I feel like a terrible mom.  Like dropping a baby or losing a toddler in a department store.  Maybe those are extreme but still I felt something close to that.  Sheer regret.  I couldn't do anything to undo it.  But I did decide to learn from it.

So for the past two morning Noah and I had eggies for breakfast.  Noah loves it too. He is a big fan of cereal just like his mamma.  But he also loves eggies.  He loves to help mamma "crack the eggie, crack, crack" (he sings a little song with it) and I love the stable - beautifully stable - sugars.

"Working Title" - new blog name coming soon

I feel like my blog has a "working title".  I would like to name my blog.  There are so many fun and creative names out there.  All of them say something about the person behind the blog.  I have an idea and I think I'll go with it. 

It's funny because I feel the same about Nr. 2.  He doesn't have a name yet.  I have a list of options but nothing definitive... and the due date is approching fast - 3.5 months!  I have another 17 working days before I am off on mat leave.  So exciting! 

So in a few days I will have a grand reveal for the new name.  Not for Nr.2 but for the blog. Stay tuned! 

I'm not sure if I will be changing my .com address. Maybe.  I'll have to be creative with transferring my blogs over and contact all my 5 followers.  Hehe.  Hey, I am very excited about these 5 peeps!  Feel free to join the ranks.  It simply makes my day!